How to Say Goodbye

Well, it happened to me.  I knew it was coming, but it wasn’t very good timing, as other pressing issues had my attention at the time.

“Today is your last day.”  There it was.  I had prepared for this for a while.  My organization was rebuilding to keep its commitment to financial responsibility, and I wasn’t the only one whose job ended.  I had been treated very well for as long as my job was sustainable, and right through the end, but it was still scary to hear.

I had heard a few crazy stories in the past, like the woman who immediately began yelling at the leaders who had to let her go.  No good came of this, especially since my organization does hire contract workers as needed, and former employees can be eligible for this work.  In other words, there were very real bridges to be burnt by the outburst.

So when my time came, I was ready.  “Do you have any questions?”

Yes.  “Am I eligible for contract work here?”  Message sent.  I sincerely wanted to keep the door open, as I obviously needed work.  Beyond that, though, by implication I had said that I held no hard feelings and would work for this organization again if the opportunity arose.  I did not make any long speeches or tell the boss how she should have saved my job.

 

When it’s over it’s over.  You are not going to change a decision that comes down from the top by making a fuss.  But with the right approach you might just gain some leverage for the future, such as getting a good reference from the ex-employer.

What SHOULD you say?

1.       Thank the employer for the time spent at the organization and the opportunity to learn.  You obviously liked some things about the job or you would have left.

2.       Ask about the possibility of getting a recommendation letter or using the organization as a reference during your job search.

3.       Find out if you are eligible for consideration for future openings with the organization.  If you have made a good impression you may as well capitalize on it if things change.

I have been in a supervisory position in food service, customer service, and higher education.  I know what it takes to stand out as an employee or prospect, and this is the way a winner handles a setback.

I Lost. YAY!!!

I had my nicest camera strapped around my neck.  I had gone to a nearby park to gather photos of the landscape for a project I wanted in my portfolio.  As I got past a group of young men I heard some shouting, and finally realized it was directed at me.  I turned to see two of the young men rapidly approaching me from the opposite side of a railed walkway.  They stopped as they got near my side and one raised his voice again.

“I wanna know why you’re taking my picture.”

That hadn’t happened.  Legally, if you’re in a public place you’re fair game for a photographer, but that’s not my style.  It didn’t seem like there was time to explain all that to this guy, however.

I picked a tone of voice that sounded like I thought sneaking his picture would be a terrible thing to do to him.  I faced him squarely and gave him my full attention, as if he was the most important person in the world.  “I didn’t take your picture.”

“Yes, you did, I saw you point your camera right at me.”  That also hadn’t happened.  At this point he was moving back around to the far side of the railing.  I am pretty sure that drugs or alcohol were part of the equation here, so this was a good development.  He was backing away.  My camera and I were not likely to sustain any damage.

“You were taking my picture.  Don’t let it happen again.”  He turned as stalked back to his group of friends.  I guess he told me.

If you are keeping score, a confused, possibly violent young man and his sidekick came at me in a confrontational manner.  The situation diffused without any physical contact, and the incident was closed.

I let this guy have his say.  I didn’t cower, but I didn’t complicate the discussion or try to have the last word.  He walked away feeling he had enforced his will on me and vented his anger harmlessly.  I strategically lost an argument.  It was worth it.

I Broke Cement. Hire Me.

Update on this one: This was written during a job search and I have not only found in employment but have advanced my career since then. I am reposting this as an example of a tie-in, and an example of how to relate your life to your employer's needs.

I was a little winded. I had just finished fighting three guys less than half my age while my wife stood by helpless. There were others watching as well, who could have stopped it. But then I wouldn’t have earned my belt rank. It was a martial arts test, and I was up for the last belt I would earn before my black belt test.

At this point I was relieved. Sparring multiple opponents would be the last part of my test. I sat back and watched the lower ranks, mostly younger than 15 years old, break boards with various chops and kicks. Breaks only occur every second test, and it wasn’t my turn. That was the rule, until the Grandmaster called my name, and asked the assistants to bring out cement. Three slabs, all for me. But this was something I knew a little about. At this point the audience and my classmates were nervous for me, but I understand how these breaks work. I got some coaching from the Grandmaster and away I went. My only regret is that I didn’t save a piece of a slab as a souvenir. 

My secret? Beside being a martial artist in training, I am also a professional magician, and there is a lot of information about breaks like this in magic books. I had also watched black belts break cement for their tests, looking for the technique. It was the bits of extra knowledge I had tucked away that made me a success. It always is.

My last job was created specifically for me to perform duties that only I could fulfill, with my unique blend of skills, skills that I didn’t even need before the promotion. I just don’t believe that it is a good idea to limit myself.

As I have always told my students: In life you don’t get to decide what you don’t need to know. Can you be sure you will NEVER need to know how to change a tire? Of course not. So it is with job skills. I won’t stop adding to mine, because you never know what you might need. And I want to be the guy you hire to get it done.

It's not Impor ant

It's important.  T is not a hard letter to pronounce.  You just said it's, so you must be up to the task.  Yet I hear this more and more.  Skipping this letter in the middle of a word is a type of slang, but it doesn't make you look good in a speech or presentation.  It certainly won't make people believe that you pay attention to details or give little things your best effort.

These days we have seen that the most well-known people in Washington, New York, Hollywood, and the pulpit are quite capable of low behavior, thank you very much.  Forget trying to sound "street", or casual, as if you're indifferent to societal norms and decorum.  Apparently everyone is.

If you really want to stand out, set yourself some high standards.  Skip the shocking language, the minimal effort level, and give it everything you've got.  You will be surprised at how others' perception of you improves.  For most of my speaking and teaching work I am required to gather feedback on surveys.  Although the crowd I sit with at lunch will sometimes tease me for avoiding the off-color humor that is easy to come by, my students have never once complained that I don't swear enough or tell enough crude jokes.  This is over 12 years of teaching in many different settings. 

What I am suggesting is that you take the high road as often as possible.  Using slang or profanity doesn't necessarily make you "authentic".  In fact, you might sound casual or insincere.  You may also sound like you don't take your responsibility as a speaker seriously.  Your listeners may wonder whether you have paid enough attention to details as you did your research, or reasoned through your arguments.

Of course you would like to sound interesting and relateable.  But you can do this with strong examples from your own life story, or even giving out some deeper information that your audience might not get in other places.

To sum up, always do your best to elevate yourself and your audience.

And Your Point is...?

Him:  Do you think we could have a whole conversation that is only questions?

Her:  Why do you want to know?

Him:  Aren’t you the least bit curious?

Her:  Do you have time to try it?

Him:  What else have we got to do?

Her:  Where should we start?

Him:  Isn’t it a little late to ask that?

Her:  Is that the time?

Him:  Are you going?

Her:  What do you think?

Him:  See you tomorrow?

What are Your Standards?

Our fear of speaking in front of a group is partly based on our own mindset, especially the idea that we are not worthy to be heard.  Do NOT compare yourself to a famous speaker or your favorite speaker.  You are unique.  I am not saying your are perfect the way you are, just that we all have our strengths and you are no exception.  If you try to imitate someone else you may cover up your best traits.  You may also fall prey to the "I could never" type of statements that will create discouragement for no reason.  "I could never be that funny" or "I could never remember a whole speech in front of all those people".

Does this mean that anything you do will be good enough?  Well, there are some things we want to strive for, like good grammar, logical presentation, and an understanding of our audience.  But once those are in place our style should not be judged by the things someone else is doing.  If you aren't convinced yet go to YouTube and compare the comedy styles of the monotone Stephen Wright with the sometimes frantic ravings of Brian Regan.  Neither one of these pros sounds like the other, yet they are both successful at getting laughs.

There is an upside to watching how the best do their jobs.  It is the chance to observe and learn.  We can watch them recover from mistakes, improvise, and adapt to changing situations.  We can get free lessons, but let's not get caught up in the comparison game.  It will only add to our feeling that we're not good enough.

This week's step to overcoming your fear of speaking was mainly about things to avoid.  Next week will be about the best mindset you can adopt to shrink your anxiety.  After that we will get into the nuts and bolts of preparing and practicing.

Be sure and leave a comment below so that I can address any questions or topic requests you have.

In the meantime -  Be Bold. Be Heard.

Make it Easy to Remember

One of the factors that contributes to the fear of public speaking is the daunting task of trying to remember everything you want to say. You may have memories of finishing a presentation only to say “I forgot to tell them…”, or worse yet, you may be afraid you are going to blank out and forget your whole speech.  This may even have happened already.

First, let’s adjust your mindset a bit; then we’ll be able to lighten the load a lot.  There are two things you should keep in mind as you prepare your speech that will make preparation a joy rather than a burden.  Once we learn to base our planning on these we will take a very different path from the method of writing out every word then delivering every sentence from memory exactly as it is written down.  So here’s the big “secret”:  The audience doesn’t know what you’re going to say.  They don’t care if you use the exact words you practice with, as long as they get your meaning.  Therefore, there is no point in planning every word of the speech precisely.  Yes, punchlines, legal formulas, definitions, and quotes better be right, but other than that you just need to be sure you get across your meaning.  I have had students use this plan to learn a speech.  When they spoke they would sometimes substitute one word for another but then backtrack to correct themselves.  It might go something like this:  “If you’re going to start a business it might be wise to consult a lawyer, I mean an attorney”, which sounds awkward.  It also lets the audience know that you are focused on the words rather than their meaning.  This can be a signal that you are merely repeating phrases you don’t understand.  So let’s get you into something bit more comfortable, and practical.

Alright, you say, my old method may have been hard, but at least it was a method.  Now you tell me not to use it.  What have you got?  So glad you asked.  I use the preparation period as the time I memorize my speech.  And here’s another secret:  I DON’T memorize my speech.  I memorize parts of it.  Here’s how it works.

First, I come up with one sentence that is the main point of my talk, my thesis, you could say.  I do this before any other prep because if I don’t know what my point is I can hardly decide what to use during planning, can I?  This should be something that can be stated in one sentence.  This is the guiding idea of our presentation so it should make a nice summary.  There is the first thing I memorize – my point.  One sentence.  You can do that.  Try it now with some topic you’d like to speak on, and write it down.  Now.  Before you forget or start making excuses.

Next, as you gather your thoughts and your materials you will begin to decide what your main points will be.  Maybe they need to go in a specific order, but that’s a different blog post.  Right now we just know that we’ve come up with three or four supporting points or arguments that will make up your talk.  Each of those points should have a couple of key words in them.  Find those keywords.  They are your next assignment.  Once you have picked them out of the lineup, so to speak,  You will have an quick time keeping them in mind.

Here’s a real-life example.  I once gave a talk to several hundred young people.  I was told the topic was to be friendship.  The main idea of the talk was that there were some specific ways to chose friends.  The three points I made were there are people you it is good to be friends with, people it is not wise to be friends with, and people who need you to be their friend.  I boiled these sentences down to the keywords should, shouldn’t, and need.  If you are counting with me you know I have memorized one sentence and three keywords.  If I really know the meaning of my message this should take me very far.  I wrote these keywords on a 3x5” note card with a Sharpie in letters so large I could read them three feet away with my glasses off, which I ended up doing because I move around when I speak.  But I didn’t really need the card, because it was easy to remember my thoughts.  I simply wrapped up my keywords in similar sentences like “there are people you should be friends with”,  and “there are the ones you shouldn’t be friends with.”

So there you have a great start on learning your material.  Get a clear message first, know the ideas behind it.  If the topic already has meaning for you the keywords should be enough to bring out your message as it does mine.
This is a good stopping point for this blog.  Obviously there is more to building a speech, but remember, this blog is about memorizing one.  We are attacking the biggest source of fears first.  

And besides, you haven’t done you homework, have you?  I want you to pick two or three topics, sum up a message in one sentence, then write several other sentences to support that message.  Once that’s all written down for one topic, see how quickly you can recall your topic sentence  and you keywords. Turn your paper over and try to say them out loud.  
 If you put complete sentences together from your recall of the keywords you will have given a short speech!

Let me know in the comments of any questions or snags that come up as you work through this method this week.