Nothing to say?

    You have to make a tough point. No, the customer can't have an exception to the store policies. No, your employee didn't earn a bonus this year. It's bad news and you expect an argument, but you will not be changing your position. Sometimes you just have to let people figure it out. They know, and you know, but if you talk, you lose.

    If you have already stated your case clearly it is time to stop talking. You may get arguments and rationalization. Well, I was absent from class for a reason. Can't I make up the work? You might repeat "no" one more time, but then stop. If you have laid the proper groundwork, you are done. Let's say you are managing a group and find it necessary to fire an individual for failing to perform basic duties of the job. You have delivered verbal and written warnings, so the employee knows exactly where the matter stands. Call the employee in, review the situation, and come to the inevitable conclusion. A short version of this talk with all the polite words left out would be "You received two warnings about your failure to perform your duties. You knew that if the situation did not change you would be let go. I have documentation that you have continued to neglect your work. We need to ask you to clean out your desk and go."

    Here's the turning point. The employee will either comply or begin a discussion. The time for such conversations has past. There is no room for discussion if you've done your job. You've explained everything throughout the process, made sure of your facts and documented everything. There are no loopholes for the employee to bring up. So don't be drawn into an argument. You might say something that will be used against you. As the excuses and babbling (or crying) begin, simply listen and wait for a pause. Stand up, open the door to your office to signal that the conversation is at an end. Don't answer objections or accusations, make a simple statement to close the talk if you must, like "You need to get started." Remember, this is the end of a process. Any worthy objections should have come up long ago. Anything further you say will create confusion and prolong the agony.

   

Who's Doing the Work Here?

Lately I've seen a lot of business mottoes that ask "How can we help you?" and "What can we do to make your day great?" Of course my first impulse is to make a smart-aleck answer like "Well, how about you watch the kids for the day so I can go canvas for new business?" The problem here is that the motto is much too vague and requires the prospect to do all the thinking.
This type of motto also rings warning bells for me. It tells me that you may be trying to offer general consulting services, telling me where to take my business based on a business model of your own. I would not want to open up this much of my business to you. You probably don't know enough about my work. I've been down this road before.
What would work better? Pick a benefit you offer me, and put that in your motto. In other words, ask yourself the magic question, "What's in it for my client?" When you've got the answer you are ready to create a motto or a tagline. You don't have to be overly clever, just clear and positive. If you're really ready to go to work for me, then don't start out by making me do all the work.

Including or Inviting?

    It is typical to find a section on "inclusive language" in communication textbooks. Inclusive language is language that refers to people without dividing them by characteristics. In The Art of Public Speaking Steven Lucas uses the example of a business leaders who thanks the company employees and their spouses and partners. The underlying message: It doesn't matter who you are married to or live with, they all make the same sacrifices when employees work overtime. This type of language recognizes that different lives can receive the same recognition.

    What to do when the differences are the point of your message? You use inviting language. Not so much in the terms you use, but in the message itself. So you may not be able to say "We are going to change the world" when asking someone to join your cause, but you can say "Together we could change the world." This seems like common sense, but it is uncommon to hear a message that empathizes with others while disagreeing. Try it. It will help you avoid a lot of heated discussions while still making your point.

Award Icebreaker

Do you need a simple icebreaker? Here's one I have adapted for use in my Presentation Speaking course. It's a lot of fun, and should make the participants and the event more memorable. It will also help start things in a positive manner.

Have participants pair up and interview each other. But they should be looking for a theme. The idea is that rather than just introducing each other to the group, interview partners will create an imaginary award and present, using materials from their partners' lives. For example, one member of the group might be into mountain climbing, skiing, and skydiving. Their partner could create the "Daredevil" award for them.

This is a quick way to zero in on just one outstanding point in the life of a participant, and keeps the introductions short and on-track. Should people want to approach each other on your breaks, they already have conversation topics ready. Try it, you'll love the great mood it generates.

Polarize or Probe?

    You know there are people around you who profoundly disagree with you on matters of politics, religion, health, finance, morality, asthetics, cuisine, and sports. You are convinced that one or two of these items are matters of life or death. You are determined to enlighten your less advanced brethren (and sistern). You immediately begin speaking up. You encounter instant resistance and hostility. Time for a new approach.

    You want honest dialog, right? You would like your colleagues to see the error of their ways. Sooo...don't come out and declare yourself so quickly. When you walk up to someone and push them, there first reaction is to push back, right? You force them to take a strong stance. So it goes with discussions. Try this instead. Let's say that your friend is just convinced that candidate A is just about perfect. Start out closer to his position, using a statement like, "You're sure you're voting for A, aren't you? Would you say her views are exactly like yours on most issues?" Bring out a couple of differences in a cordial manner. Discuss these issues first. The key here is to identify possible points where your discussion partner does see weaknesses in their position, and to encourage them to spend time thinking about them.

    Warning here: DON"T OVERDO IT! Most of the effect of this type of discussion will be internal. If you appear to be pushing an advantage or gloating, it's Game Over. Just draw your friend into taking a look at another side of an issue. Considering how human beings actually operate, that is plenty to accomplish in one day. Never forget that you can always have another talk with someone you are getting along with.

Leave 'em hangin'

    Here's a good way to boost attention to your next speech or presentation. Start with a story that sets up the problem you are addressing. For instance, on of my students told the story of a baby who displayed all normal behaviors for his first few weeks of life, then stopped responding as expected. She went on to explain that he was suffering with autism. Her speech told us what autism is, who is affected by it, and possible causes. Only after we had followed her full talk did she reveal to us that the child she mentioned has been gradually improving, integrating well into the daily life of a youngster. We were drawn in to the speech and stayed with the speaker by the fact that the story was dramatic, and unfinished.

    How does this work? It's based on something called the Ziegarnik effect, described by a psychologist in the 1920's. Basically the Ziegarnik effect makes unfinished things easier to remember. So you start with a story, but do not tell us how it works out. That story stays in our minds, and we follow every word hoping for resolution. Meanwhile, you have us listening to all the other information we need.

    My Fun Friday advice this week? When you want to keep our attention, leave something unfinished. Use the Ziegar...

Don't Get Sick

You just have a few minutes to talk, or you don't want a discussion to devolve into an argument. Or you are teaching your kids what you believe, and you don't want them thrown off course by someone else's input too easily. Where do you turn? To the time-honored use of innoculation information.

Innoculation information is data you supply someone that prepares them to encounter beliefs other than their own. In its simplest form is consists of simply acknowledging the other viewpoint. "Yes, Timmy, we believe the astronauts landed on the moon, but some people think it was just a trick." Now your little boy isn't surprised or shaken when he hears this opinion from someone while you're not around.

But you can do better than this. If you actually give someone an argument that runs counter to the other opinion you are trying to avoid. A good example would be "Yes, I know Dan Brown put a little information about Jesus being married in his book 'The DaVinci Code.' But did you know that got the facts all wrong about the Dead Sea Scrolls?" And there you go. Before someone even picks up the book they are aware the fictional character's arguments are flawed. This greatly increases resistance to ideas as they are encountered. Of course this requires you as an opinion leader to follow two ethical principles: make sure your beliefs are sound, and make sure you can support your opinions.