Listen First

Yes, this really happened.  It's a good example of saying a lot without listening.

A few years ago I called a restaurant to make reservations and this is the conversation that ensued.

Restaurant:  Thanks for calling La Ristorante Authentico (not its real name).

Me:  I'd like to make a reservation for six-fifteen, please.

Restaurant:  I'm sorry, we don't take reservations here, we do call-ahead seating.

Me:  What's that?

Restaurant:  If you can be here in 10 to 20 minutes you call ahead and we seat you when you get here.

Me:  Okay, I'd like to be seated at six-fifteen.

Restaurant:  I'm sorry, it's only a quarter to six now.  You'll have to call back at six o'clock.

Me:  Well, can I have you write me in now for six?

Restaurant:  Sure, that was for six people?

Me:  No, six o'clock.  Ten people.

Restaurant:  Ten people?  Oh, we can't possibly be ready for ten people in fifteen minutes.

Me:  Okay, can you set us up for six-fifteen?

Restaurant:  Sure.

When we arrived we weren't seated until 6:30.  Several of our party ordered lasagna.  The waitress returned after placing our order to tell us they were out of lasagna.  After selecting alternates and waiting a while for them to arrive, we were told that there was lasagna after all and we could change our orders.  It's a good thing we didn't, our food took an hour to arrive.  Probably because they didn't start the order until after they offered us the newly-found lasagna.  I always wondered where they found it.

Minimum Usable Force

I want to spend the next few entries helping those that may find some conversations don't go as well as hoped and wonder why.  There are a some principles that can guide a speaker through the rocky shoals.  Once they become a matter of habit your can expect your blood pressure to drop.  The first principle appears in a lot of guises in other areas of life.  It is simply the idea that you use the least possible pressure to get the job done.  This is a concept already known to radio operators and law enforcement officers.  I've borrowed a term for it:  Minimum Usable Force.

What does Minimum Usable Force mean during, say, a performance review?  It means you will phrase your negative statements as lightly as you can without sacrificing your point.  Imagine you must meet with an employee and point out a repeated failure to meet deadlines.  You can choose to state your case in a way that makes a blanket statement focusing on the individual such as "You don't get your work done," or you can limit your observation to something more specific, for instance "Your work usually isn't in by the expected date."  In the first sentence there are greater implications about the character of the employee, and while it may be warranted, it will be harder for the employee to answer without becoming defensive.  Both sentences discuss the same problem, but if your listener is the type to take offense the second will give you both some room to maneuver.   The second statement focuses on the work itself, in a way that can be checked and verified.  Here's a script to suggest how this might help:

You:  Now there is an item we need to spend a minute on here.  It seems that your work is often submitted after the due date.

Employee:  Are you saying I'm lazy?

You:  No.  I want to see what can be done to improve the timeliness of the work, that's all.

Employee:  But when you say that you're saying I'm procrastinating or something, like I don't do my job.

You:  Not at all.  There could be any number of reasons why this happens.  Of course I would like your perspective on this.

Employee:  Oh.  Well, I can tell you why it usually happens...

You get the idea.  Naturally, if you're a supervisor dealing with this employee on numerous tasks you will be tempted at times to blaze away in anger with a statement like "You're as slow as molasses in January," or something more insulting.  Developing a light touch will keep you from having to apologize, backpedal, or raise your voice quite as often.

I is for Impression

Here's another way to phrase statements that will help you get past the automatic defenses we all raise when we hear something we don't like.  The technique is to leave room for you listeners to disagree with you and still be right.  Leave them the opportunity to contradict you without feeling they are creating a confrontation.  There is a straightforward way to do this:  Make a statement that presents your point of view and your reasons, rather than a flat pronouncement.  You can utilize a form of the "I" statement for this.

There are times when I observe a student in my classroom who makes very little eye contact, frequently looks at the door, and fidgets quite a lot.  One way to sum up the situation in speaking with the student could be to say "You're not paying attention."  You can imagine the replies I would get - anything from "Yes I am" to "I already know this stuff."

This is usually my approach:  "I get the impression you have other things on your mind."  If the student asks for a reason I can mention the behaviors I observed.  In the case of at least one student I was dealing with a case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I found this out because the student was willing to open up to me.  I doubt I would have reached that point by verbally slapping him at our first meeting.

The pattern to follow is to allow part of your statement to be subjective.  Rather than state that such-and-such is a fact, you state why you think is true.  The listener can then bring other facts to light, or correct your reasoning without thinking they are flatly contradicting  you.  You have practically invited them to respond.  The lines of communication remain open.

Give them Space

You're about to make a very important point.  You're sure you're right.  You're expecting some opposition.  Use my third principle to get a fair hearing.  It's the principle of the Tentative Statement.

Before I explain, I want to make clear that I am not asking you to ignore facts or compromise principles.  I am suggesting that you avoid statements that will allow for no retreat. Use phrases like "because of x I think y."  Your listeners can then bring other facts to your attention, or offer another interpretation of your facts.  This will avoid some of the raised voices and flat contradictions you might otherwise encounter.

You've worded things in such a way that you are not making pronouncements from on high.  You've created a dialog.  If someone doesn't like something you say they are bound to talk about it.  They may as well say their piece directly to you.

Easier to Say is Easier to Remember

I'd like to help you step away from a tendency that is common among beginning speakers.  This is the tendency to go too far.  When you say too much you make it hard for listeners to rememmber.

I have a lot of chances to visit the classrooms of new college instructors.  They've got large textbooks and short quarters.  They often feel pressured to talk about everything in the textbook during a lecture to make sure they've "covered" everything.  This would be an admirable goal if it weren't based on a fallacy.
  

The underlying assumption of a long lecture is that if the teacher has said a thing the students know it.  I doubt that more than one percent of us could repeat a 20-minute lecture word-for-word 10 minutes after we have heard it.  So we clearly don't fully know what was said, let alone how to understand or apply it.

The solution makes life easier for you as the presenter and for the listener.  You take big ideas you want to communicate and explore them, leaving out some details or related ideas that are lower priority.  Spend more of your presentation time building meaning for your listeners.  You do this by helping them to apply the concept they have just learned through questions and examples.

Let's use Maslow's hierarchy as an example.  You could show a Powerpoint slide with all the levels of Maslow's hierarchy and their definitions, reading each to your listeners, then explaining further, helping them catch up on some much-needed sleep.  Or, you could ask, "How many of you ever gave up trying to make dinner because you were so tired, and didn't eat anything until breakfast the next day?  Some needs outweigh others and must be satisfied first.  Abraham Maslow described types of needs and which order they must be satisfied in."   You could then ask them to contribute to a list of needs and rank them.  Once they've got the general idea they will easily understand Maslow's work and can assimilate the details.

To apply my own principle here:  Just remember to give the big ideas in a simple way.  This makes them easy to remember.  Details come in time.

New World Errors

I'm really surprised by the amount of people who make these common errors:

Using apostrophes to form plurals.  That would make this last sentence read "Use apostrophe's for their plural's."  I am amazed that seeing a few other people make this mistake sways them from everything they were taught for years in school.  This seems to arise from the fact that we have seen a lot of advertising material in the last few years that use the abbreviations CD's and MP3's among others, but the apostrophe only applies to plurals of abbreviations like these initials, and it is OPTIONAL.  So it is really not even need there.

Trying to extend a word by multiplying the last letter of the word, instead of the last letter of a word that is pronounced.  If you have decided to marry someone you might write "She is the ONNNNNNNE!" but not "She is the ONEEEEEEE!"  Better yet, stop trying to write like you are speaking.  Writing has its own virtues.  Exploit them.  And yes, in this context its should have no apostrophe.

The world's only forensic lexicologist draws unfavorable conclusions about linguistic abilities when he sees these errors.

You Don't Say So

I've noticed a new trend in extemporaneous speech.  It's the habit of start a statement or conversation with the word so.  I've noticed myself doing it, and I am making a conscious effort to stop, just as if I were saying "uh" frequently.  My technique for now is simply to pause half a beat before speaking, to give myself time to filter the word out if I was about to use it.
  
The problem is that so is a conjunction, and should usually be used to join.  When you start out with it there is nothing to join, unless you are building your sentence on something someone else just said.

Yes, if you pick up this habit you will sound trendy, but you will also sound shallow.  Do not let the crowd or a habit control your speech.  While I was writing this little entry I found myself ready to type "so" at least four times, but quick reflection helped me make other choices.  It didn't take long to edit my phrasing, but it helped me stop going to my default.  Now I've got a reflective practice I can use for other areas of my writing and speaking.  I hope you will try it too.